I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Randomize
