Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
