The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
