Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
