sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
