New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
