I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
