Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
