about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize