Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
