I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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