his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
3pm strippers are depressing
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize