Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
