you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
