I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
it's not cheating when I paid for it
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Randomize
