His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
zippers are such a cool invention
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
