i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I did not marry a roomba.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
