Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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