we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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