I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
