Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Randomize
