The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
