Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Randomize
