If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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