I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
