I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize