I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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