I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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