We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
