I wish my penis had an off switch
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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