Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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