I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
