Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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