...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
