first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
