My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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