You really coming over, don't trick.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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