someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
