his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
