i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
