just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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