Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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