Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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