you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
