I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
She told me I should be a condom model.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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