Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
