I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
