My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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