You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Randomize
