I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
