does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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