I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
