we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize