First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Are we still banned from the library?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Randomize
