Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
