Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Randomize
