Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize