watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I think my moral compass just broke
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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