your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Randomize