So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
