Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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